Ooh, ahh, Glenn McGrath. Spoofish video

Best watched at about 10am, in your office, and ideally when you’re boss / team-leader / line-manager or someone else is giving a speech. Shortly afterwards, and for the remainder of the day, you’ll be unable to say anything other than Ooh, ahh, Glenn McGrath…

If you can’t see it above, click here.

[via CI]

England’s leaked plans: thief exposed

TheAshesBlog.com can exclusively reveal the thief who light-fingered England’s leaked plans yesterday.

This marvellous spoof courtesy of the ever hard-working Darryl. Superb! If you can’t see the video above, click here.

ICC release code of conduct for backyard cricket

The ICC have today released a code of conduct for backyard cricket…

1. GENERAL RULES

1a. Can’t Get Out First Ball: Curious rule introduced to give the token unco
dickhead a reprieve. Smart-ar*e batsmen use it to hone their reverse sweep;
which becomes interesting when smart-ar*e bowlers use it to hone their beamer.

1b. Caught Behind (auto wikky): Since no one has the desire or the reflexes to
stand in the slips cordon, an edge onto the back fence constitutes instant
dismissal. Has signalled the death of the late cut.

1c. One Hand, One Bounce: This popular innovation (When a fielder can dismiss a
batsman by catching the ball in one hand on the first bounce) is essential to
the very fabric of the sport. Importantly, it means a game can be organised
with a minimum of players. Note that this rule only applies when the fielder is
holding a beer in their other hand.

1d. No LBW: When no umpires are available (or trustworthy), the only option is
to can the LBW rule altogether, ensuring cagey batsmen shuffle across the
crease as is test driving a Zimmer frame.

1e. Six And Out (Then Fetch It): Introduced to combat space and energy
restrictions. It’s rumoured to have been initiated by a hapless bowler living
alongside a pack of Rottweilers.

1f. Standard Over: All veteran backyard bowlers know that the standard length
of an over in backyard cricket ranges from anything between 10-12 balls. You
only relinquish the bowling duties when questioned by any fielders or opposing
team members. But only after the standard response of “Two to go” or “Get
F*cked”.

2. ESSENTIAL ITEMS

2a. Esky: Strategically placed at the bowler’s end, the esky is the shrine, the
fuel, the Richie Benaud of backyard cricket – because it holds the beer.

2b. Balls: A minimum of 3 tennis balls is advised, as there’s always some
smart-ar*e who delights in tonking them over the fence (see rule 1e).

Advanced exponents use electrical tape around half the ball to give it more
swing than Austin Powers.

2c. Dog: Preferable of Kelpie or Heeler extraction, so it can field every ball,
including those that disappear under the house or thorny bushes. The downside is
that they produce more slobber than a 14 year old male Penthouse reader. The
upside is the dog will sleep for 3 days straight afterwards.

2d. Rubbish Bin: It would be nice to think you can clean up your own mess, but
in reality the bin makes a perfect set of stumps.

2e. Bat: Boasting multiple scratches and dents, and no grip left on the handle,
it’s usually of 1980′s vintage with a single scoop, with a fake signature of
Allan Border or Merv Hughes providing added backyard cult status.

3. CODE OF ETHICS

3a. Stumps: The game draws to a close when,

i) Your host finally cooks the snags after the barbie has run out of gas,

ii) Macca hits the last ball onto the road and it disappears down the drain
(not withstanding rules 1e and 2c),

iii) You can’t get that batsman out with any type of bowling pace or spin, or

iv) Your girlfriend cracks the sh*ts and wants to go home because you “become a
f*cking idiot” when you hang around with your mates.

3b. Flower Damage: Any respectful male will cringe and help hide the fact that
you have just topped your girlfriend’s petunias. Somehow, the universal threat
of a week-long drought bonds the male species.

3c. Spilt Beer: Ideally, the offending batsman should apologise profusely and
offer to replace the vanquished stubbie. Fat Chance. The feat prompts sh*tloads
of laughter, and the usually triumphant “Get me one while you’re at it you
f*cking retard!”

3d. No Running Between Wickets: Every backyard cricket specialist should know
this phrase, “The words fun and run don’t go together.” Just ask Arjuna
Ranatunga. Besides, how the hell are you supposed to run in thongs?

3e. Courtesy Call: Always invite the chicks to have a bat. They usually say no,
but on the odd occasion, they do take a grip of the willow. You can bowl a
couple of dollies to her so she can hit before ending this freakish sideshow
with a yorker. Most chicks hold a bat as if they’re chopping wood, and they
bowl as if throwing left-handed. And they can’t handle yorkers.

Still, someone has to make the salad.

Thanks to Tim for the email

Therapy for England

There's a terrific spoof-piece by Giles Smith in the Times today in which he explores what telephone calls England's cricketers might make were they to have access to a 24-hour psychiatry helpline.

November 13, 2.43pm GMT:

Request for help from highly distressed player complaining about crowd abuse during the warm-up matches in Australia. There hadn’t been any. Caller explained that, in several days of fielding, the abuse he had suffered had been either non-existent or so lame as to beggar description. Caller quoted Oscar Wilde to the effect that there was only one thing worse than being on the end of a chippy mouthful from beered-up Aussies, and that was not being on the end of a chippy mouthful from beered-up Aussies. In the absence of the expected response, the caller, who regularly took up boundary positions, had begun to question the entire point of his being there. Therapist diagnosed insecurity, coupled with low-level depression arising from disappointed expectations. Caller was asked to contextualise the issue and re-centre the problem, not on himself but on the Australian crowd, who had taken the loss of the Ashes in 2005 very hard and had yet to recover their traditional buoyancy. Therapist then ran through the received strategies for instigating crowd reaction in its natural absence — exaggerated crotch-fondling in the spectators’ direction, hand gestures formed by the fielder behind his back, etc. Caller urged to ring back for further advice if none of this worked.

Brett Lee beamer hits young kid

Just got this from TheBladder, and had to post it…had me laughing out loud.

Australian speedster Brett Lee is in hot water again after an 11-year-old boy was injured when filming for a new breakfast cereal commercial went horribly, horribly wrong yesterday.

As part of the filming, Lee was required to send down a few gentle deliveries to young Ben Morrison. Unfortunately, Lee’s second ball was a searing head-high full-toss that nearly killed the happy-go-lucky kid from the Melbourne suburb of Scoresby.

Lee ran to the stricken child, patted him on the shoulder, and held his palms upwards in the universally-accepted ‘sorry’ gesture of leading sportsmen. But for some critics, that wasn’t enough.

“It’s not enough,” said one critic. “Lee has filmed three different commercials this year, and in each one somebody’s been struck by one of his ‘bean balls.’ I don’t think that’s a coincidence, and something has to be done to stop him.”

Lee said that his hands had been slippery from pouring jugs of milk over the top of his bowl of delicious cereal, and that the ball had merely slipped from his grasp.

“It was an accident, that’s all,” he said. “You know me, I’m not the type of guy who would bowl a head-high full toss at a kid.

“The ball just slipped. Just like it did with Brendan MacCullum. Just like it did with Razzaq. Just like it’s done probably 30 or 40 times this season, especially with blokes who are scoring runs off me or giving me the shits. It’s amazing how slippery the ball gets when someone’s giving me the shits. And that little kid was mouthing off a bit …”

Lee had further problems later in the shoot when several spoons and a bowl of Weet Bix also inexplicably slipped from his hands, injuring a clutch of enthusiastic young urchins waiting at his feet.

“You’d be surprised how often that happens,” Lee explained later.