Notes from the pavilion

Better cricketers buy Lara Bingles

Struggling with form? Can’t find the middle of your bat? Depressed in the slips and unable to concentrate? Worry no more! Get yourself a life-sized Lara Bingle doll!

Michael Clarke from Australia did just that – and is reaping the rewards handsomely. “Seeing somebody like Lara certainly makes me happy. I have something to look forward to when I get home,” Clarke said of his new Lara doll. “I enjoy spending every spare second I get with her.”

But Clarke has a warning for you aspiring cricketers: don’t rush out to buy a Bingle without carefully considering where she will sit in your home. “I’ve got renovations going on in my house at the moment,” Clarke said. “Maybe she will move in when they are finished.”

Don’t confide her to your homestead though. Take her to a nice restaurant. But remember: her right hand is superglued to her left arm, so position her appropriately.

If you can bear the nauseous tripe, every Australian newspaper has it all in sickly lovey-dovey detail for you.

Lara Bingle bowled over

Remember Lara Bingle? Of course you do. Well, it turns out Michael Clarke, the b@$$t@rd, has somehow managed to bowl the maiden over (insert more puerile, tabloidesque cricketing euphemisms here)

Lara Bingle and her Mini Cooper-S

The controversial model joined the Ashes celebrations with the Australian cricket team aboard James Packer’s Mangusta cruiser on Friday night, but the fun didn’t end there for the duo.

Clarke and his Cronulla maiden enjoyed a private party of their own at the Quay West Apartments in The Rocks over the weekend.

Bingle only emerged from the inner-city Sydney hotel – clad in the same jacket she was wearing on Friday – to attempt an early getaway in her black Mini yesterday.

While Clarke may have been basking in Bingle’s company, parking inspectors weren’t as enamoured with her presence.

The 19-year-old was distressed to find she had been slapped with a $77 parking fine.

In October, cricket insiders said the pair had “been on a few dates”, but a relationship was denied by Bingle’s camp.

Sydney’s Daily Telegraph has the full story, if you can be arsed to read more.