Preemptive Australian excuses

The chilling thought that Australia might again lose the Ashes (“I mean fail to regain the Ashes this summer; 15 years of domination can be habit-forming”) has Richard Hinds in a bit of a panic at the Sydney Morning Herald. He’s drawn up 11 excuses which might be used in the event of such a disaster…

Excuse 2: Boot camp. This is what they call a “slow burner”. As the Australians gradually succumb to more injuries, the inhuman conditions and human rights abuses endured during the infamous military-style bonding exercise will become apparent. Already we have Magilla’s sore knee. Stand by for Punter’s snake bite, Warney’s malnutrition and the “Mr Cricket atomic wedgy incident” as explanations for sub-standard performances.