Ashes stars in your office

Michael Tormey, Tom Noble and Nick Place write:

Flintoff: (Warehouse Stock Coordinator): If he ever has a day off sick, the place will fall apart. Or to use a cricket analogy: if he doesn’t take all the wickets and score all the runs, it’s just not going to happen.

Harmison (Creative Director): Big reputation, big salary – has to be carried by rest of the team.

Watson (IT Manager): Offers key solutions to all problems but keeps crashing. Hamstrung by software problems.

Warnie: (PR Director): Always on the phone, always spinning something, always out for long lunches. A genius. Regularly embarrasses himself at the office Christmas party.

Pietersen (New Business Manager): The young bull, poached from rival company, who can star on occasions but ego might be a problem.

McGrath (Production Line Manager): The 70-year-old manager who just can’t let go and you know what, is still better than the kids out of uni trying to take his job.

S. Clark (Assistant Workflow Manager): Not rated, hangs around in the warehouse, and you suddenly realise he’s been singlehandedly holding contracts together for the past 12 months.

Langer (Accounts): Accident-prone 67-year-old veteran with a head for figures. Refuses to retire. Somehow keeps up with changes to GST and other tax legislation. Likes martial arts.

Martyn (Retail Manager): The irritating but smooth bloke you’re always trying to get rid of but customers love him and he sells just enough to keep his place.

G. Jones (Office Assistant): The PA you feel a bit sorry for because he has no idea, but the boss likes him and will give him time to develop. Who knows? He may even make a competent middle manager one day.

Lee (Sales Executive): The face of the company with a big laugh, a flash car and charisma to burn. Does he ever sell anything? No idea.

Ponting (Managing Director): There were early question marks over his commitment and longevity in the company, but he’s matured and now is responsible for more than half the company’s turnover all by himself, while also managing the office.

Giles (Assistant Marketing Manager): Been at the company for years, nobody likes him, nobody rates what he does. Must have compromising photos of the boss to keep his job.

Vaughan (CEO): Allegedly in charge but hasn’t been seen around the office for months. His shadow remains.

Bell (Accounts Manager): The university graduate with the Rhodes Scholarship who has now been with the firm for more than a year, lords over the blue collar workers but is yet to actually deliver when it matters.

MacGill (Marketing Manager): Annoying worker who wants to be PR Director but can’t get a shot at the job. Request for office car and phone rejected. Attends Anger Management courses.

Panesar (Intern): Always smiling, keen, energetic, model employee. Strangely overlooked for promotion at every turn.

Hair (Company Secretary): Recently retrenched (suddenly). Last seen being led from the building by security.

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